A Story of Feet: What My Appendix Taught Me About Mothers, The Atonement, and True Love

Last Tuesday morning a sharp pain in my stomach woke me up around 6am. I felt sick enough to stay home but well enough to wave RBH off as he went to work&school.

An hour later, I found myself buckled to the floor, my body shaking at the shock of pain that it hadn't yet faced in its short little lifetime. My fingers shook as I tried to get a hold of RBH's phone that was temporarily out of a service area before resorting to texting several friends that might be available to drive me to the ER.

A wonderful friend showed up quickly, drove me, and sat with me in the waiting room until RBH showed up.

I will never ever ever forget the way it felt sitting in that waiting room and looking over to the window to see RBH, with so much love and concern on his face, sprinting down the sidewalk to come meet me. I'm not sure I've ever seen him look like he loved me more.

I was poked and tested, debriefed, contributed several vats of bodily fluid, debriefed, rolled through scanners, and debriefed for a couple hours before being sent into surgery to have my appendix removed.

It was about 30 minutes before going into surgery that I really started to loose my cool. I had refused any medication while being there and my body was really starting to take a hit. Despite holding RBH's hand and swearing I could be cured by the love in his eyes, my legs began to uncontrollably shake again, a fit that slowly spread up to my shoulders. I felt like I was losing control. It was around the same moment that my mother-in-law and father-in-law showed up.

I had a blanket put on me to try and keep me warm and calm, I was given the most amazing dose of morphine, and my mother-in-law quietly sat next to my bed holding my feet. 

I don't know what it was about that expression of love and comfort - holding my cold feet that stuck out of the bed because of my 6ft frame - but it was the epitome of the love of a mother. Who else besides a mother would notice that my feet were probably cold and who else but a mother would quietly decide that that would be her job - to comfort, love, and keep warm in the most uninviting part of somebody else - their feet. I let my emotions flow. I leaned over the bed and handed my fears, worries, and pain away to the man and his mother that were sitting across from me looking at me with eyes that said "its okay - we love you - we will take it."

And herein lies the beauty of the atonement of Jesus Christ. When we can't handle the pain, I promise you He is sitting there holding your hand begging you to let Him take it away.

The power of a mother is something very real. I swear there is a solace that exists in this world that can only be received through mothers. Just a mother being there with me, changed the entire feeling of the room.

I got to call my mom real quick before I went in. In just the simple pronunciation of the word "Mom!" over the phone, I felt my heart become calmer and more full. The simple intonations of my mother's voice, that by themselves communicate a love and care for her child so great it could steady one's heart, were all I needed to hear.

I'm sorry but there is just nothing more powerful in this world than a mother.

There is nothing more beautiful in this world than motherhood.

I realized the beauty of mothers and the power of their presence.

I realized how very real the atonement is.

And I realized again what true love is. Trust me, it had nothing to do with what clothes I was wearing, how my hair looked, or if what I was doing could benefit RBH and his life.

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Fast forward two days...

A lot of this week has been very sacred and special to me. There are many moments that I do not feel comfortable sharing - things I will honor between the Lord, my husband, and I. I have learned so much about the Lord's love for me, my husband's love for me, and my love for myself as I have spent many quiet hours thinking and healing.

There is one experience, though, that I will share because of the powerful impact it had on me...

The couple first days of recovery were a little hard on me mentally and emotionally. I like doing things for others - I sometimes have a hard time letting others do things for me. These days were filled of watching RBH do pretty much every little thing for me. I could barely do anything for myself, at first.

I wasn't allowed to shower for a while because of my incisions, but at one point all I wanted was for my feet to feel clean. I was struggling with standing up straight - it hurt and it also protruded the post-surgery inflammation belly that I had. I felt so weak. I looked passed my belly (that looked as if I was 4 months pregnant) and down towards my feet. There was no way. No way I was going to be able to reach them or hold myself up or do anything whether sitting or standing.

I slowly let myself cry: I felt pitiful. I felt so unfeminine, so unattractive, so incapable, so hopeless.

RBH didn't say a word. He just took my hands and steadied them before kneeling down and making sure my feet were in water. Then he slowly began to wash my feet.

I was overcome by the image. I cried harder as I watched his humble act of love.

I didn't feel deserving. I didn't feel like I was worth anything really. But RBH was there showing me that I was--that if something mattered to me, he would help. He would even do it for me if I couldn't. He reminded me of my worth; he washed away my fear.

Yet again, I felt my understanding and appreciation of the Savior grow because of his example.

I felt firmly in my heart that if the Savior were there, He would be treating me exactly how RBH was treating me. The Savior does not care how weak you are, how pitiful you feel, how unattractive or incapable you mistakenly think you are - He. loves. you. He always loves you. That does not and will not ever change. If you ask - He will give. Period. You are always precious. You are always cared for. You are always heard and beautiful and worth it. You always have a divine nature and destiny. You are always everything to Him. He does not think of you the way that you think of yourself. He does not care what you have done, what place in life you are, or how long it has been since you have communed with Him--He will always love you fully and unconditionally. He will always help when you let Him.
You are always worth it to Him.

One day, you may feel like you don't deserve anything in your life. I promise you that on that day - your most pathetic and awful day - that the Savior of the world, The Great Almighty, The King of Kings would kneel down and wash your feet. He would take care of you.

On that day, He will heal you and comfort you if you let Him.

The atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ is real. It is available. Always.
There is nothing that is too small for Him to help you with. His love for you is real.

He will take care of you - let Him.

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