It is like taking the lid off of a big stew pot that I keep boiling on the back burner of my stove that remains untouched for 364 days of the year. When I do open the lid, I see how many different emotions I keep simmering inside--too precious to dump out but too difficult to acknowledge that I keep them smothered by the shiny silver lid.
It was one of the most amazing days of my life because I understood the importance of my family in a completely new way. I felt love and appreciation for them in degrees that I hadn't before reached. My determination to live a good life, in order to be with my family forever, became more firm. I better understood the beauty of the plan of salvation, the love of my Heavenly Father, and the brilliance of the family. I came home. And there is not a more divinely sweet feeling in this entire world than that.
It was also one of the hardest days of my life because my full-time mission came to a close. RBH and I say to each other often, "a mission is something you can't ever really understand until you do it." It is difficult to describe what taking a badge off feels like to a missionary. I would never be Hermana Anderson again; there was nothing more heartbreaking to me in all the world. I loved my mission. Every. Single. Moment. I love my people. I miss them often. There is a certain intensity of feeling that is bottled up in those 19months that I can't feel right now--that I probably won't feel ever again.
Finally, it is a day that I am immensely proud of and grateful for. Maybe Heavenly Father has been more proud of me in other moments of my life, but I have never felt it like I did that day. I felt like He wanted to gather everybody around and point me out and say, "see that one? She's mine." He and I are the only two that know what we went through together in the time I served full-time; there is something immensely sacred and special about that. Feeling the approval of Heavenly Father is worth any sacrifice. It is the greatest feeling in the world. The other great emotion that I mentioned was gratitude. I remember pre-misssion Coco thinking that the Lord would be grateful for my service. It didn't take long for me to realize that nothing I was doing was a sacrifice at all--instead, I was receiving. I feel like years worth of blessings were packed into those months and to this day I can't talk about my mission without feeling my body and soul go still in gratitude that my Heavenly Father let that be a part of my life. I felt so grateful that it couldn't be contained in my body.
The biggest emotion that I keep under the lid of that pot is that great gratitude mixed with immense love. Those are two really difficult emotions to let yourself feel; they take me over. They fill up holes that I've grown comfortable with. They remind me of the great goodness of life. It is a challenge to keep these things in check. I'm much more comfortable with mediocre faith, hope, and charity--the vastness of this pot is difficult to live up to or admit to.
Anyway. I'm feeling reflective. Here is a video of what happened a year ago today. My beautiful talented brother made it; I hope it clearly depicts the eternal nature of families. Absolutely nothing in this world could convince me to move family away from being my number one priority and joy in life.
Because Jesus Christ lived, died, and lives again - my family can be together forever.
Because He restored His church back on the earth with all its previous ordinances and priesthood - my family can be together forever.
Because my parents lived righteous exemplary lives and were sealed in the temple - my family can be together forever.
THAT is worth living for. That is the foundation for the happiness of my life.
I love you Mom, Dad, J, K, D, O, N, L, V, D, S, S, J, and now RBH. Thank you for being the reason to come home.
When I die, you BETTER all have a button on :)
