Let yourself walk in the shade

Today was one of those "its so hot you could boil an egg on my face" days.

I began my 25 minute walk up to campus this morning with practical shoes on and an extremely heavy backpack. About 70% of my walk is uphill (I thought I knew what a hill was before I moved to Utah, I have never been so mistaken in my life. RBH busted a gut when I showed him the ONE hill in my hometown...and he realized that the dinky mound in front of us was what I was referring to as our "sled hill." This place has hills that would qualify as mountains in Illinois haha.)

ANYWAY, I started making my way up this hill. I felt the weight of my leaden backpack sinking my feet down into the boiling cement. The sun seemed to have both arms around me, gripping onto my shoulders. I put on my face of determination, and pushed back the wet hair sticking to my forehead. I could feel myself saying, "This is nothing. This isn't even hard. This heat is NOT going to get to somebody like ME. Are you kidding? I did harder things in heat like this for 18 months." A friend passed by in a car and waved to me - pausing - wondering if she should give me a ride up. I waved her on. "I don't need any help."

I purposely stayed away from the shade. I purposely took the harder route. I'm not sure to whom I felt I was proving my toughness...was it myself? Was it the people I was passing? Was it God?

Finally, after the halfway point of my walk, I surrendered my pride to the shady part of the sidewalk.

Immediately, I felt relief. It was cooler here. I was protected. I felt hope return. I felt positivity. I didn't feel like I was out to prove anything anymore.

I still had on my heavy backpack. It was still hot outside. I still had to walk up the hill. But with the sudden presence of the shade, everything became easier.

I began to think about how often we live our lives like I did today. Things are hot and hard and heavy - but we don't dare admit that because then we would be weak. We know the shade is there, willing to cover us. In fact, that is shade's only purpose - but we can't bring ourselves to give in and receive relief. We know that Jesus Christ is our Savior, sure. We even know that He can offer us strength, help, and relief. So why do we so often stick out our chin and say, "No. Today I don't need to walk in the shade." Or a defiant, "No thanks, I can do it all myself." Or how about "Of course Heavenly Father loves me, but I don't want to bug him with something so small as this little hill. He has got other important things to do."

How often do we think, "I'm strong enough to do this on my own," without realizing that what we are really saying is "I'm strong enough without you," "I don't need you," and even "I'm stronger than you."

I know that I have had days where I decided not to walk in the spiritual shade. Those days, just like my blazing walk today, were not fun. Doing things on my own resulted in sore muscles, sweaty necks, and bitterness. I remember days when I was so tired of walking with my heavy backpack alone that I finally let myself crumble to my knees to feel the sweet relief of the atonement, wondering why I didn't do it earlier. Why didn't I let myself feel relief before? 

So when the thought comes to us "I should really read my scriptures today," "I should say my prayers before bed," or "man, I need to make it back to the temple," stop what you are doing and chose to walk in the shade. In reality, when we skip the things that we know we should be doing, we are saying exactly those defiant phrases.

"I know I should pray, but I don't have time" really means "I think I'm strong enough to get through my day today without prayer." Just let yourself walk in the shade.

Turn your burden over to the Savior. Let yourself be forgiven. Let yourself be healed.

Don't lie to yourself saying that you are avoiding the shade because you don't want to bother it - that your avoidance is out of love. The shade will continue being the shade whether you use it or not. The Savior will continue to be the Savior whether you turn to Him or not. The atonement will continue to be the atonement whether you use it or not. 

Give yourself a break. Start to love yourself and the Savior more. 
Let yourself walk in the shade.